My reflections three months later

Well the clock has slowed a little and I have been able to catch my breath. I was thinking tonight that I would reflect on a few of my thoughts since arriving home with our beautiful new son. His sweet disposition has been amazing. Shawn says he is painfully sweet, and he is right. I find myself as an older mother enjoying so many things I found annoying with my first. For instance, nighttime feedings. I love them, the quite night the smell of my little baby nestled sweetly up to us. This morning at about 4 am Adam was lying between Shawn and I in bed he started to stir a little, enough to wake me up. I turned over to stare at him just as he reached for his daddy's hand. As soon as he knew he was near back to sleep he went.

His adoring smile that can light up the room is amazing. I find myself able to stop and just admire him ignoring that the dishes are dirty and the floor needs to be cleaned. The rocking chair has been moved to where it is convenient rather than where it looked good. This little boy is so loved. It scares me to think what life would be like had we not traveled down this road.

One thing I was not prepared for was how often I would think about his birth mother. I was talking to my dear friend Heather (who also traveled with me) the other night and we were both talking about this. Adoption seemed so cut and dry in the beginning. Especially after finding out our son had been abandoned. We would travel to Africa and pick up our new son and come home and live happily ever after. That has not been the case for me. I can say that everyday AT LEAST once (and most days it never goes far from my mind.) I look into his face and fight back the tears wondering so much about his past. What are his parents doing? Did his mother eat today? What does she look like? How tall are his parents? What did they hope for him? Did they hope for him? Do they know he is still alive? Were they married? Is she cold? What is she doing today? Will she be able to find work? Does she work? Oh the list could go on and on and on. I have realized that visiting the land of my childs birth has brought so many answers that I can not imagine living without. It has truly changed the way I look at him. He is a miracle to be alive. HAving the knowledge of how difficult life can be has brought a whole new prespective to me about our sons birth parents. How I wish so much I could have met them. I cry at his beautiful spirit and the opportunity that I have to raise him. It has given me more strength realizing that my five children are not mine, but children of a loving Heavenly Father. Shawn and I are here to raise them and care for them and that is our joy.

This fact has been more close to my thoughts now more than ever. This is in fact the thing I have struggled with more than anything. It is almost a feeling of guilt for the opportunity that I have that his birth mother will never have. He truly is a blessing in our lives and I hope everyday I can remember that. I hope so much to someday even if in heaven to meet her and share all of these wonderful things about our beautiful son with her.

On a lighter note. Last week we completed the re adoption which is a technicality in order to get a US birth certificate. Then I went to vital records and picked up his new birth certificate. All of this was done because US immigration was increasing their fees on the 30th of July. That's right to fill out one piece of paper and send it in with about 10 requested documents proving his adoption will now cost families $450.00. I personally think this is a crime. Before the 30th the fee was $215. The reason I was racing to get this done. Keep in mind this is on top of the now $750 fee to get a US visa so that your child might enter the United States. So all in all the NCIS or US immigration will gain over $1000 for adopted children. ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!! Do not get me wrong he is worth ever penny I just do not get this fee.

Well it is late and I am signing off. Thanks to all for reading!